By Mishal Gill
Academic Excellence
Gold Medalist
Lahore, Pakistan
Video: Samaa TV
Dawn News/YouTube
Stop Domestic Violence
خواتین پر گھریلو تشدد بند کرو
महिलाओं पर घरेलू हिंसा बंद करें
Trauma Hidden in Trust
اعتماد میں چھپا ہُوا غم
विश्वास में छुपा दुःख
Everyone has the human right to live in safety and free from violence and abuse. Society has a duty to recognize and defend this right. It [domestic abuse] starts slowly: a few emotional knocks, alternated with romantic gushes and promises of everlasting love, which leave you reeling, confused, spinning around in an ever-changing but always hyper-alert state, not knowing what mood or message awaits you.
This [domestic abuse] is not something that simply takes place behind closed doors and that others can ignore; it is something that affects us all. It affects our economy, it affects our society, and it affects our young people as they are growing up. Domestic abuse blights lives. It can destroy lives, and not just the life of the immediate victim but of the children and other family members as well. It is up to all of us to make sure that we are doing everything we can to make clear to our society and to the public the horrific nature of domestic abuse, the impact it has on people’s lives and the need for us as a society to say, ‘Stop it’. It’s easy to minimise your actions. Maybe you think what you’ve done isn’t that bad. Maybe you’re making excuses … Maybe you’re feeling guilty or ashamed of how you’ve behaved. It can hurt to admit that what you’ve done is not okay. But by doing so and choosing to change, you’re taking responsibility for your actions, and are on the road to change. The campaign to end domestic violence needs the voices of men as well as women, challenging the cultural, economic and political context in which we all experience the world.
Domestic Violence is a problem that affects many people around us all around the world. It is when one person in a relationship tries to gain control or hurt others. It happens between marriages, families, or even dating relationships. It is mainly classified into three types. Domestic violence is not just physical harm or just hitting. It also includes screaming, yelling, threatening, or controlling the activities of other people, even isolating them from friends and family. The main goal is to gain control and power over the victim. Domestic violence is a topic that remains a secret and stays in the shadows, yet millions of people around the globe experience it. It can occur in any relationship, it won’t respect age, race, gender, or any social or economic status. Understanding this form of abuse might be the first step in preventing it and supporting the people who became its target.
Restrictions, economic hardships blamed for increase in violence
Why does it happen?
There are several reasons behind it let us understand better.
Domination:
At its core, the biggest reason for domestic violence is to gain power and control. The abuser might use different tactics to intimidate and dominate the victim, creating an environment that isolates the victim along with scaring them.
Learned behavior
Most of the abusers have a history of traumas themselves. Which means they have experienced such behavior in their lives as well. And they are just mimicking all that experience. So over time when things keep happening they start believing it to be the normal part of life and they believe it to be acceptable behavior around them too.
Substance abuse
Drugs and alcohol can be a reason behind exacerbating abusive behavior. There are many cases where the reason behind violence is alcohol. Sometimes it’s not the root cause but still, it can be dangerous.
Mental health
Some people have underlying mental health issues that can contribute to violent behavior. Especially in Asian countries mental health is not prioritized and many conditions are never even diagnosed.
Cultural and social factors:
Societal norms where violence is condoned, gender inequality, and lack of protection by law can also contribute to the prevalence of domestic violence.
https://youtu.be/4riWQ44QjR8?si=GvgXwMFxNzMFXmAO
The Abuse Cycle:
Domestic violence often follows the same pattern. It is known as the Abuse cycle.
It has several stages. Like tension building. In this stage abuser creates a situation that is full of tension and the victim feels like they are “walking on eggshells.” Just to avoid triggering the abuser’s anger. There may be minor acts of abuse but are normally ignored by the victim.
The second stage is Incident; the episode of the abuse occurs. It can be physical, financial, emotional, or any other form of abuse. Triggers might be small events. It is an unpredictable event.
The third stage is reconciliation. After the incident, the abuser tries to talk and might even apologize. Or try different ways to make things better. Bringing gifts or food. They might show affection to win back the trust. They try to amend the things between victims by making excuses or by making promises.
The Last stage is Calm. Here everything seems ok and no abuse takes place. In this stage, the victim might start believing that the abuser has changed. But the tension gradually builds again and the cycle repeats.
Who is a victim? A victim can be anyone living in the house. Kids, Men or women, or even grandparents. These people can take up the role of abuser as well. Depending on their upbringing and mental state.
Women are the most abused people around the world.
Here are some stats about women in Pakistan.
1. 70-80% of women in Pakistan have experienced some form of domestic violence. (Source: Human Rights Watch, 2020)
2. 50% of married women in Pakistan have experienced physical violence. (Source: Pakistan Demographic and Health Survey, 2017-18)
3. 30% of women in Pakistan have experienced sexual violence. (Source: Pakistan Demographic and Health Survey, 2017-18)
4. 5,000 women are killed annually in Pakistan due to domestic violence. (Source: Aurat Foundation, 2020)
5. 1 in 5 homicides in Pakistan are attributed to honor killings. (Source: Human Rights Commission of Pakistan, 2020)
6. 60% of women in Pakistan believe that domestic violence is justified in certain circumstances. (Source: Pakistan Demographic and Health Survey, 2017-18)
7. Only 2% of women in Pakistan report cases of domestic violence to the police. (Source: Aurat Foundation, 2020)
Children suffer the trauma even when they are not directly part of the abuse.
Here are some stats about children.
1. 80% of children face physical or emotional abuse (SPARC, 2019
2. 35% of children reported being beaten by parents/caregivers (SPARC, 2019)
3. 54% of children experienced emotional abuse (UNICEF, 2017
4. 12% of children reported sexual abuse (WHO, 2018) 5. 70% of children who experienced abuse never reported it (PDHS, 2017-18)
6. Majority of abused children are between 5-14 years old (SPARC, 2019)
7. Boys are more likely to face physical abuse, while girls face more emotional abuse (UNICEF, 2017)
8. Poverty, lack of education, and social norms contribute to domestic violence (WHO, 2018)
Men also face abuse but these cases are rarely reported to maintain the head of family or masculinity façade. There is physical abuse in existence but mostly what they face is emotional, psychological, and financial. There are very few cases reported. Unfortunately, if they are reported people side with the accusers. This is why there’s very less data and registered cases available.
Domestic violence against older people is a serious issue in Pakistan that doesn’t get enough attention.
Elderly individuals, both men and women face many forms of abuse from their caregivers or children/family. Their properties or lifelong earnings are snatched. They are stripped of their honor and status. Hurt and often thrown into old-age homes.
Following are some stats and facts about elderly getting treated unfairly…
Domestic violence is emerging as a silent pandemic in Pakistan, posing a serious challenge to society and the state, points out a study report published by the Asian Development Bank (ADB).
1. It is estimated that 10% of elderly people in Pakistan face some form of abuse, with higher rates in urban areas compared to rural regions (BioMed Central) (OHCHR).
2. The forms of abuse include physical, emotional, and financial abuse, as well as neglect. Elderly women are particularly vulnerable due to their gender and age(OHCHR) (BioMed Central).
3.Abuse against older adults is often underreported due to cultural norms, fear of stigma, and dependency on family members for care and support (OHCHR) (BioMed Central).
4. Many elderly individuals who face abuse end up in shelter homes. Studies show that elderly residents in these homes often suffer from cognitive impairments and report feeling isolated and abandoned (BioMed Central).
Impact and solution:
Living with domestic violence is very scary. And it keeps hurting the person facing it. It is like getting trapped in a nightmare that never ends. It can cause severe traumas. Imagine feeling worried and scared all the time, like something bad might happen. That is how people with domestic violence feel. Trauma can make your emotions fluctuate a lot. One minute you’re fine and in the next, you’re not. It can make it hard to trust or befriend people. It’s like making a wall around you to protect yourself from more pain and betrayals. It can make you feel disconnected from your own emotions and thoughts. People going through traumatic experiences often space out and feel numb. These people are always on edge, looking out for any possible danger. It can make them avoid people, places, and things that can trigger the trauma. These things, people, and places can be the ones they loved dearly once. It also brings back bad memories and makes them feel like reliving and going through the same pain over and over again. It also makes them feel guilty and ashamed even when they are not at fault. Trauma affects the body as well, Causing headaches, stomach aches, numbness, and sleeping disorders. Not only that, but many people lose their lives. Some live with disabilities for the rest of their lives. Others keep on living with no regrets because no one ever corrected them. Domestic violence can break relationships, not just with partners but with friends and family too. They might feel ashamed or scared to reach out for help. Domestic violence can even affect finances. Abusers might control money, making it hard for victims to leave or support themselves. But it is always ok to reach out to people and ask for help, or be the one to help.
There are numerous cases where victims raised their voices and fought against the abusers. Famous Pakistani anchor Ayesha Jahanzeb suffered from a painful physical assault from her husband three times before she turned to the media, court, and police.
Film and stage actor Nargis was allegedly subjected to brutal torture by her husband, a police inspector, in Defence Housing Authority (DHA)
https://youtu.be/-g9-Uk94cpY?si=ERvdasHiJ1VKBonx
Surely it took her a long time to speak against it but eventually, she could stand up for herself. Though she later reconciled in the court. Her husband was jailed for a while.
There was another victim of physical abuse. The ex-wife of famous TV actor Feroz Khan came out on the internet to expose her husband.
She posted on her Instagram stating: “No kid should ever have to grow up feeling violence to be normal part of relationship” She not only served him a divorce but also fought for her children’s custody. She got custody of her daughter but her son lives with his father. However, the court allowed meeting and celebrating special events and traveling together, along with monthly financial support for the child.
Victims win when they stand up for themselves. There are laws to protect them. One should use their voice to free themselves of torture and pain. There’s always a way to break free.
Conclusion:
Domestic violence is a really big problem that hurts lots of people. It’s like a secret pain that nobody talks about. But we need to talk about it! We need to help each other and make our homes safe again. We can do it! Let’s work together to stop domestic violence and make a better world for everyone. If it’s hurting it’s not love.
Don’t let people make you think otherwise. If you ever feel like you are getting exploited mentally, physically, financially, or in any other way right inside your home by your people do not just stand and see. Otherwise, the cycle repeats. Stand up for yourself. Families co-depend on each other. A mother’s pain can become a child’s trauma too. This is why “Speak up, save yourself.”