BY Eisha Tir Raazia
Bachelor of Engineering(BEng)
Aerospace engineering
Parents and sex education:
appropriate touching and inappropriate touching.
Why is it so important?
:والدین اور جِنسی تعلیم
مُناسب اور نامُناسب چُھونا
یہ اِتنا اہم کیوں ہے؟
माता-पिता और सेक्स एजुकेशन
सही और गलत तरीके से छूना
यह इतना ज़रूरी क्यों है?
“We’ve tried ignorance for a thousand years. It’s time we try education.”
“Sex education is not only about having sex, but it is also important to look at the health and reproductive system, and protecting the body from infections.”
“If you are not intentional about talking with your children about sex, you may never get around to it. You will never feel like they are old enough or you are prepared enough.”
Sex is an adult thing, this is true. Knowing the proper names for body parts, respecting other people’s bodies and your own, private parts of our bodies, where babies come from, and body changes are all important subjects to discuss with our children. You can have simple conversations like these without ALL the details. Your child will not lose their innocence by simply talking about sexuality. Don’t let this fear stop you.
“Even if you do not feel fully prepared, even if your kid rolls their eyes, even if you wish you started years ago, it is never too late to begin having ongoing conversations about sex with kids.”
In our homes, we spend years teaching children how to be polite. We teach them to lower their gaze before elders, to offer their seats, to hug relatives on Eid whether they want to or not, and above all, never to answer back. What we rarely teach them is how to say “No.”
Think about what a five-year-old is already taught to know about safety. They know not to touch a hot stove, they know not to play with electrical sockets, they know not to open their door for strangers. We teach these things because we know that children need to recognize danger before they can protect themselves. When it comes to their own bodies, however many of us suddenly become uncomfortable.
A child may know not to talk to a stranger, but not know that someone they know can cross their boundaries too. They may know they should listen to elders, but not know that they can refuse an unwanted touch. They may even know something feels wrong, but have no idea who they can tell. Body safety is no different from any other kind of safety. Who is allowed to touch them? Which parts of their body are private? What should they do if someone makes them uncomfortable? What if the person is someone they already know and trust? And, perhaps most importantly, who should they tell? In almost every Pakistani home, these questions are simply never discussed.
“Bachay hain, inhain kya pata.”
But children do need to know. Not every detail, and certainly not in a way that frightens them. They need simple, age-appropriate lessons about their bodies, boundaries, unsafe behavior and speaking up. And keeping them uninformed does not necessarily keep them innocent. Sometimes, it leaves them unprepared.
he Problem with Keeping Children “Innocent”
There is a common misunderstanding that talking to children about abuse, private body parts, or inappropriate behavior will expose them to things they are too young to understand. The intention may be protective but there is a difference between exposing your child to something inappropriate or teaching them how to protect themselves from it.
A child does not need an adult level explanation of sexuality. They need simple information that matches their age.
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They can learn that their body belongs to them and anything making them uncomfortable is important to address.
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They can learn the name of their body parts (and spare me the “haw-hayes” please).
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They can learn that no one has the right to make them feel uncomfortable.
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They can learn that they can say “NO”, even to someone elder than them.
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They can learn that if someone tells them to keep an uncomfortable secret, they should tell a trusted adult.
These are not lessons that take away childhood but basic safety lessons.
“Don’t Talk to Strangers” Is No Longer Enough
For years, one of the most common messages given to our children has been, “don’t talk to strangers.”
But abuse doesn’t always come from a stranger. It can come from a relative, neighbor, teacher, family friend, older cousin, Maulvi everyone trusts or anyone a child has been taught to trust. Predators do not always look dangerous either. Often, they gain a child’s trust through attention, gifts, treats, slowly crossing boundaries while making it look like affection or fun.
“We cannot protect children from something they have never been taught to name, recognize or report”
That is why children need to understand unsafe behavior, not just unsafe people. They should know that they can say no to unwanted touch, walk away when something feels wrong, and tell a trusted adult if someone asks them to keep an uncomfortable secret or crosses a boundary. But we also need to remember that children can freeze, stay silent or be too scared to say no. That never makes the abuse their fault. The goal is not to make children afraid of everyone, but to help them recognize when something is wrong and feel safe enough to tell us. If stranger-danger is where our safety education ends, we haven’t given children the tools they need to recognize abuse.
What Are We Afraid to Teach Them?
Perhaps the biggest obstacle is the discomfort of adults themselves. In Pakistan, conversations about sex education are still shaped by taboo and stigma. Many parents worry that teaching children about private parts, inappropriate touch or abuse will expose them to things they are too young to know. There is a difference between exposing a child to something inappropriate and teaching them how to protect themselves. A child does not need complicated explanations.
We can start with teaching children about privacy, using the correct names for their body parts, explaining boundaries, and letting them know that asking questions is never shameful. There is nothing inappropriate about teaching a child how to recognize inappropriate behavior. What is dangerous is leaving them without the words to understand it.
And then there is Internet. Children are growing up with cameras, messaging apps (WhatsApp), social media apps (Instagram and TikTok) before they are old enough to understand manipulation. They need to know that no one should ask them for private pictures, ask them to keep the conversation private or force them into sending something they are uncomfortable with. The rules of body boundaries apply online too.
How Parents Should Approach the Conversation
Yes, there is also wrong way to have this conversation too. We shouldn’t make them believe that every adult is out there to hurt them. The goal is not to make children afraid of people, but to help them understand their boundaries and feel safe enough to speak when something is wrong.
Parents can start with simple, everyday conversations. Teach children that they have the right to say no to uncomfortable touch, and that they can always tell a trusted adult if something makes them uncomfortable. It doesn’t have to be a scary lecture. Sometimes, a few encouraging words are enough to help a child understand that their feelings matter, and that their bodies belong to them, no matter how young they are.
But there is another part of this conversation that matters just as much i.e. “children need to know they will not be blamed, if someone does something inappropriate to them”. A child may already be frightened by what happened. The last thing they need is to worry about being scolded for it.
“Mama ghussa karengi”
“Koi mujhay trust nahi Karega”
These are the type of fears which can keep a child silent. They may worry that no one would trust them, especially if the person involved is someone the family trusts. That’s why children need to hear, time and again, that they can come to their parents with anything, even if they are scared, and even if they think they have done something wrong.
Start saying this to your children: “You can always tell me. I will listen. You will not be blamed for what someone else did to you”.
“But What If They Don’t Understand?”
Children do not always have the words to explain what happened. They may know something felt wrong but may not understand why. Fear, shame, or worry about getting in trouble can make staying silent feel easier. Research on Pakistani parents has also found gaps in how families talk about private body parts and abuse, despite understanding its importance. Children cannot be expected to speak openly if they don’t feel safe talking about uncomfortable things.
Sometimes a child may also behave differently without saying anything at all. They may suddenly avoid a person or place, become unusually quiet, have trouble sleeping, or seem anxious around certain situations. None of these signs prove abuse on their own, but they are reasons to pay attention rather than dismissing a child as being difficult or dramatic.
A child may not clearly say they were hurt. They might simply say, “I don’t like going there” or “I don’t want to be alone with him.” These small signs matter. If a child does tell you, how you respond matters. Stay calm, listen, let them know they can come back and talk whenever they are ready. Do not blame them, question them repeatedly or immediately confront the person involved in front of the child. Instead of asking, “Why didn’t you tell me?” say, “I’m glad you told me.” Then get the right help and take the disclosure seriously.
What Must We Teach Them: The Actual Practical Rules
“Good touch” and “bad touch” can be a good starting point, especially for younger children, but it is not enough. Children also need to know that their body belongs to them, they can say no, walk away from something that feels wrong, and tell another trusted adult if they are not listened to. Most importantly, they need to know that freezing, staying quiet, or being too scared to say no is never their fault.
The four pillars of child safety:
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The Swimsuit Rule:
Teach children that the parts covered by swimsuit are strictly private. No one including relatives, friends, teachers, neighbors etc is allowed to see, photograph or touch those areas without any reason. Nor should any adult ask a child to look at theirs.
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Safe vs. Unsafe Secrets:
Tell your child that safe secrets are temporary surprises like a birthday present. Unsafe secrets are anything involving physical touch, private photos or threats like “Don’t tell your mom”.
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The “No, Go, Tell” Rule:
Teach the child that if anyone makes you uncomfortable or scared, you “say NO Immediately”, “Go away instantly” and “Tell a trusted Adult”.
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Unconditional Belief:
Parents must be a child’s safe space; someone they can trust to believe and protect them if anyone makes them uncomfortable.
None of this means a child is responsible for preventing their own abuse. Children can freeze, stay quiet, be manipulated, or simply not understand what is happening. The responsibility always remains with the person who abuses them and the adults responsible for keeping them safe.
Case Studies:
Pakistan continues to see thousands of reported child abuse cases every year. NGO Sahil recorded more than 4,000 cases in 2023 alone, while SSDO reported 2,954 cases of child sexual abuse in 2024. Many children are abused by people they know and trust, including relatives and neighbors. And these numbers only show the cases that are reported. Fear and shame keep many others hidden.
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The Tragedy of Kasur: Seven-Year-Old Zainab Ansari:
The abduction, rape and murder of seven-year-old Zainab Ansari in Kasur shocked the country. What made the case even more disturbing was that her killer was not a stranger. Imran Ali lived in the same neighborhood and was someone Zainab had no reason to fear. CCTV footage showed her walking with him, unaware of what was about to happen. Investigators later linked him to the assault and murder of several other young girls in the area.
Zainab’s case showed why telling children simply about stranger-danger is not enough. Children also need to understand that danger can come from someone they know, whether it is a neighbor, relative, teacher or family member. Children need to know that they can refuse unwanted touch, move away from situations that make them uncomfortable and tell a trusted adult when something does not feel right.
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The 2015 Kasur Child Blackmail Ring, Hussain Khanwala:
In the rural village of Hussain Khanwala near Kasur, investigators uncovered a large child sexual abuse network that had been operating for years. More than 280 children were reportedly targeted, sexually abused and filmed by members of the gang.
The children were then threatened with the release of those videos to their families and to the broader community. In a society where shame and fear can fall heavily on the victim, many of them were too frightened to speak about what was happening. They carried the abuse in silence, fearing what would happen if their parents found out. This is exactly why children need to hear that if someone abuses them, the blame is never theirs.
These cases remind us that protecting child is not just about warning them about danger. It is about giving them knowledge, confidence and safe space to speak when something feels wrong.
Conclusion
Maybe we have been asking the wrong question all along. It is not just about how much a child knows about abuse. Do they know that it is okay to say no? Do they know that feeling uncomfortable around someone matters? And if they do speak, do they know that we will trust them?
We cannot protect children from every person or every situation. But we can make sure they grow up knowing that their body belongs to them, their voice matters, and they never have to stay quiet to protect someone else’s feelings. Because teaching a child to speak up means very little, if we don’t listen, when they finally do.
May God Almighty Protect Our Children
God Almighty, please keep our children safe from all physical, emotional, and spiritual harm. Surround them with Your angels to guard them wherever they go, whether they are at school, at home, or out in the world. Be their strong tower, their refuge, and a shield against any danger or evil influence that tries to come near them. Give our children wisdom, discernment, and courage to recognize potential harm and walk away from it. Fill our own hearts with Your peace, replacing our worry and fear with trust in Your unfailing strength and constant presence. We place them safely into Your hands today and always…Amen.
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